Changing

I’ve been making websites as long as I can remember, but I was never able to get any to stick. Not only in terms of having a consistent readership, but in terms of liking what I had going enough to stick with it. I would get into the groove of posting frequently, then give up. There is hardly a trace of my old sites today, just tiny fragments of select domains in the Wayback Machine.

Somewhere along the line, something changed. What exists here on Resonant Echo has been here for seven years, and even though my posts are often few and far between, I went into this project with that expectation and have been happy with it. If you are interested in a little blast from the past, do check out some of my earliest posts on this blog. As long-time readers or friends may notice, quite a lot has changed, which begs the question:

What do you do when you find core aspects of your identity changing?

When I was a kid, I always thought I wanted to be a published fiction author. I was good at writing, and I enjoyed it a lot, but I could never get a fully-fledged story going. By the time I finally did write a novel in 2020, I had very little interest in pursuing traditional publishing. It seemed like a huge hassle, and I was never all that inclined to share my work with a large audience, instead preferring to keep it to myself or to a small community of like-minded peers.

I knew that being beholden to publisher deadlines, financial incentives, or fan expectations would only take the joy out of writing for me–– something that was increasingly a concern for me, as my interest in writing fiction waned overall. Publishing my work online (and channeling my nostalgia for Web 1.0) was as far into the public eye I really ever wanted my writing to get. After all, making websites was kind of “my thing.” Writing, of course, was my thing too.

It had to be, right? What else could it be?

The older I get, the more I find my mind shifting. I don’t write as much fiction as I used to, and not in the way I used to either. In the past, I would find that to be a stressful notion. When I wasn’t writing, I felt like I should have been. Nowadays, I write for fun. I still have aspirations to finish my Insectera series, as well as craft other stories as they come to me, but it’s no longer such a passionate drive as it was when I was a teenager. It’s strange to reckon with, I guess, but I don’t resonate as much with the word “writer” as I used to. I am one, sure. But is it who I am? What does that even mean?

When I’m getting to know someone new, and they ask me what I like to do, what do I say? In 2025 my answers are a little bit different than they would have been when I started this blog in 2018. I enjoy walking and journaling, as I did back then, but also running, strength training, and making music/singing. A lot of the time, I still find myself saying “I’m also a writer” but it’s more of an afterthought than an identity–– like saying my age or where I’m from. It’s just a fact.

It’s also strange to be finding myself identifying more with physically active hobbies when I’ve always struggled to keep my chronic health conditions in check. Overdoing it can be extremely detrimental to me, but it’s a double-edged sword. Sitting down for too long makes me feel stiff and achey, so I tend to prefer to be on my feet when I can be–– heavy emphasis on the when I can be part. Overall though, after getting through my nightmare health crisis of 2022, I have been doing better than ever.

Those who know me well also know that I have struggled with hand and wrist pain as long as I can remember. It has been getting worse with age and I imagine I will eventually need some kind of corrective surgery and rehabilitation. This is existentially exhausting, but it has also caused me to think more carefully about what kind of hobbies I cultivate. What can I do if my wrist pain is too bad and I’m locked out of things like writing or drawing? I’ve been diversifying my portfolio, in a way. Making other investments.

I am a grad student, so obviously writing is still a part of who I am. As an aspiring public servant I know I will need to write in the form of grant applications, governmental plans, the dreaded emails, or for any number of other reasons. I treasure my skill in writing and hope to bring it into my academic and professional lives, but writing fiction simply doesn’t make it to the top of the list as often as it used to when I ask myself, “What should I do with my spare time?”

Change is scary, but it’s also important. Having just made a huge move to another country, it’s been a lot of change all at once, but I’m just as excited as I am scared. I still love writing, and drawing, and journaling, as this blog has served to catalogue for all these years, but there’s so much more to me now. Maybe we never do change from who we were as kids, but I fully believe that we continue to grow around that.

How have you changed, lately?